Doll
by Limonatta
Summary: n. a figure representing a human being. This is the story of a doll. A doll who had escaped destiny, and found happiness, and sorrow. And… love?
1. part I

Author's Notes: Vacation. Boredom. A strange holiday obsession (with Evangelion). Added together, means fic. Happy reading! (It's a _bit_ confusing…) Some of the scenes are from the acualy anime/manga itself (and I tweaked it a _bit _in places).

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me, but I have the owners' permission to play with the characters, yes? I'll take care of them. (cue – evil laugh)

Some of the quotes do not belong to me either… I am merely borrowing them for my evil pleasure.

.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

.

**~ d o l l ~**

-

part I

-

_When does a story start?_

_We do not know._

_One says, it's when the problems arise. Another argues, it's the moment just before the problem starts, like the calm before a storm. Yet another explains it's when the objects of the problem are born, much, much earlier on._

_One does not truly know._

-

_intro-_

She stares at herself in the mirror, young eyes blinking, looking at her own four-year-old reflection of herself.

She reaches out a hand, and touches the mirror, staring at her reflection all the time.

Her red eyes stared back, her blue hair fluttered in the breeze.

Why am I so… different? she thinks to herself.

-

_i. For what is the heart when there are no emotions? For what are expressions when the face has been frozen? _

_A doll. It's a meaningless doll..-_

-

"**O**NCE…"

she says as she runs her long pale fingers across the length of the stalk of the hyacinth flower she was holding.

"Once…" Rei begins again. "I thought the world was a beautiful place."

_(He looks up at her. _

_Unknown, unspoken words pass through them._

_He cocks his head to the side, urging her to go on.-)_

"And why wouldn't I?" she says as if in answer to her statement. "I didn't know about the Angels, about the Evangelion series, about my purposes in life. I had Commander Ikari. Dr. Akagi Naoko, Ritsuko…

_(Everyone at Nerv, they were like family for me.-)_

"I think, for once, I was happy."

_(Key word – was_

_Happy? How naïve I was, she thinks.-_

_But why am I telling him this?)_

"And you're not happy now?" Shinji asks, just for the sake of it, as he already knows the answer to the question he's asking.

"Do I seem happy?" she responds, raising her emotionless cerise eyes to meet his hazel brown ones.

"It's… hard to say, actually. You always… keep such a straight face. A poker face. No one really knows what you're thinking, you know."

"I guess." A flicker of a smile crossed her face.

_(That is what I have wanted. That has been my aim.-_

_That has been my… life._

_It's always been like this…)_

Conversation halts.

Then he asks, "Don't you get tired of it?"

"Of what?-" she says, confused. Of course, she might not actually be confused. She has always been good at hiding her emotions.-

_(-Of being a puppet, being a doll. _

_Obeying every order you receive.-_

_He does not say these words however-)_

"Of following all of Nerv's commands," he says instead, knowing that this is the truth, as far as he knew.

_(He does not know anything._

_Yet he does not know that._

_He believes he isn't in the dark-)_

"Why shouldn't I?" she says. Blank face, no emotion visible.

"You're not a puppet! You're a person!"

_(Harsh words, yet spoken for her own good._

_Was it? Was it not?_

_She didn't know, or understand.)_

"I'm a person, yes," she explains as if it was the most obvious thing. (Which wasn't that obvious, but she doesn't elaborate.) "But I'm a person who follows the orders of other people."

"Doesn't it bother you?" he asks.

"No," she answers simply, and turns away.

And they thought that was the end of that.

_(She was still holding the hyacinth flower… the flower for sorrow. Her fingers clutch it, not letting go.)_

-

_ii. We say that a girl with her doll anticipates the mother._

_It is more true, perhaps, that most mothers are still but children with playthings._

-

**S**HE had always hated dolls.

She had a plain revulsion to them, ever since her mother had cared for a doll instead of her.

It was fuelled by that fact that the First Child was, in her eyes, nothing more than a doll, a puppet for Nerv to manipulate.

_(And she hated it._

_She hated not being the favourite._

_She hated it when someone else was-)_

It was unfair, ironic – she had lost her only parent to Gehirn, yet now she was a pilot for Nerv, the organisation in place of it.

It didn't help that the First Child was so seemingly oblivious to her pains, instead showing no expression at all.

Was she mocking her?!

She hated the fact that the First was so close to Shinji.

_(She didn't know why, though.)_

She hated the perfect First Child, who never has a hair out of place-

(not literally speaking – beside the fact that even if she did, her hair would still be perfect)

- who is the favourite of the commander, who is obedient and wouldn't let emotions get the better of her…

… who always has to be a doll, a puppet to the wishes of Nerv.

It annoyed her, but it also scared her too.

Would she end up like that?

-

_iii. Dolls reminds you of the superficial people that human beings were, going for looks, never seeing someone for who they really are. _

_Dolls were perfect, their skin so fair, hair so perfect. Their eyes so surreal that they pierced right into you, stealing your heart without you realising it._

-

**H**ER expression never changes. Her face is like a mask, hiding her true emotions within, deep within her heart, where they can never resurface properly.

He wonders how she does it.

He wonders if she had emotions, as well. He wonders how she showed them.

He wonders.

_(What was that expression?-_

_-Curiosity killed the cat..._

_Was that not right?)  
_

-

_iv. __A little child has a beautiful doll. The child loves the doll, but then wants to break the doll to see what's inside. We are the same._

-

**O**NE day, he decided to find out whether she- _(the girl with the ruby-red eyes, with hair the colour of the sky of a calm fine day)_ -had expressions, had feelings.

He made a decision.

He drew the other girl- _(with the fiery reddish brown hair, and eyes the colour of the deep shimmering ocean) _-into a hug, and surprised that she hadn't pulled away, leant down.

Their lips connected in a swift motion.

He glanced back at the girl, the girl whose short cerulean hair fluttered in the breeze so prettily-

- the girl who had truly stolen his heart without realising it.

_(The girl who should have been in his arms instead.)_

She blinked at him, then stood up and walked out.

He didn't miss the tear the leaked out of her tightly shut eyes, the glittering tear that seemed so out of place from her otherwise-emotionless face.

The tear dropped down like a raindrop, onto the ground, where it sparkled for a moment before disappearing.

The girl _(the owner of the tear) _had already disappeared long ago.

-

_v. __She had faded from neglect, being lonely through the years… and she couldn't even cry, because she hadn't any tears_

_-_

**S**HE didn't know where she was going, and she didn't care. Anywhere is good enough, anywhere but where she was before.

She's just second, isn't she? Second to Yui Ikari, in the eyes of Commander Ikari. Second to Asuka Langley Soryu, Second Child, in the eyes of Shinji Ikari. She's also second as an Eva pilot – she wasn't the best, was she now?

She was just a puppet. Doll. She didn't _need_ replacements, she _was_ the replacement.

Did they really need her? Did anyone really need her?

No.

She walks around aimlessly, before unconsciously arriving at the little garden in the headquarters of Nerv, that Shinji had shown her after he was 'reborn' from Eva Unit-01. She hasn't been here a long time, she thinks to herself.

_The first time we touched…I didn't feel anything._

_Huh?_

_Your hand._

_The first… _that_ time?_

_The second time… it felt a little queasy. I think._

_Ah… about that… I'm sorry…_

_The third time… I felt warm inside. It was the heat from your hand. Even through the suit._

_But the fourth time, I was just happy. Happy that you were concerned about me._

_(She looks back at him, gives an expression so much like a smile, so not.)_

_Could I… hold your hand again?_

She shakes her head furiously as unwanted memories swirl around her head. Before she knew it, another teardrop fell-

_(she thought that her tears had long dried up inside of her, yet...)_

- into the pool, the pool which she had run her fingers through that first time she had been here.

The water rippled, perfect circles resonating, heading away from the centre, from the tear that created them.

_This is me. People stay away from me. _She thinks to herself. _Because I'm just a doll._

_Dolls don't have the ability to cry._

-

_And so the first part ends.__ But have this story ended?  
_

_A story does not end. Not yet._

_There is still a long way to go, a long winding path until there is no more forest obscuring the view, a long long way until you see the silver clouds and witness the majestic gates of paradise. _

_This story, however, it had started many, many years ago, long before it was even known there was a story; and so it makes it difficult to say _when_, exactly, it did start, and, likewise, no one can really say when it ends._

_For now, let's pause it here._

_-_

**.TBC.**

.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

.


	2. part II

Author's Notes: Hmm. I love chocolate. Unfortunately, my mum banned me from eating it for... I don't know how long. So I'm writing to let off steam. (Oh, and because I love _that _too, but that's beside the point.)

Soo sorry to reviewers, haven't been able to reply yet. :(

Disclaimer: Believe me, I would be very happy if Neon Genesis Evangelion was mine... but it isn't. Likewise, with the quotes. (Though not as much.)

.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

.

**~ d o l l ~**

-

part II

-

_And so we meet again._

_Let's continue the story, shall we?_

_It has not ended. Yet, we do not know when it _truly _ends._

_So let's begin.  
_

-

_vi. __My sister thinks her dolls look best, when dressed in pinks and reds… I think my sister's dolls look best, when they no longer have any heads._

-

**S**HE was jealous, and she didn't deny it.

She was hurt, and she hid it under the façade of anger and rage.

_(How come everything that I want-_

_- is hers instead?_

_Just how is it fair?)_

Her reddish hair covered her eyes for a second. Then she looked up. Her eyes were blazing.

She screamed at him. She yelled at him. She slapped him across the face.

Yet she knew that she could never take _her _away from him – if he never saw her again, that blue-haired doll, he still had memories of her.

How come that so-called Wondergirl always beat her at everything?-

- She raged. She sulked. She threw tantrums.

Yet she knew it would never change.

He _(he – that detested Third Child who she could never actually hate, who she's come to love) _would always remember that enigmatic blue-haired girl, that girl by the name of Rei Ayanami.

-

_vii. __She was only made of cloth, a rather simple work of art… but you could see where someone had carefully embroidered her a heart_

_-_

**H**E stares at her retreating form, like a slap has been delivered to his face. He grimaces to himself in disgust. He had brought this on to himself, hadn't he?

Even if it was in other circumstances, wouldn't anyone, witnessing a kiss, do that?

_(No.)_

Then he notices the tear drop down.

He closes his eyes briefly.

And reopens them to the knowledge that _(the mysterious girl named-) _Rei Ayanami was capable of expressing emotion.

And as they _(the perfect 'couple', the 'married couple', the Second Child and Third Child-)_ pulled away from their kiss-

_(he frowns to himself – this isn't love, he thinks… this is sweetness and tenderness and lust and passion…_

… _but not love.)_

- he gives a small smile.

-

_viii. __I once had a sweet little doll, dears, the prettiest doll ever; but I lost my poor little doll, dears, I cried for what seemed forever._

_-_

"**W**HERE's Rei?" Maya Ibuki asks. "We have a test in Unit-00 scheduled this morning, but she still hasn't turned up yet."

"Move the test to the afternoon, then," Ritsuko says. "It's strange. Rei doesn't normally go off without permission…"

_(There was only one time she did, and that was with Shinji.)_

_-hours later-_

"Has Rei turned up yet?" Ritsuko inquires.

Misato frowns. "Talking about it, I don't think anyone's seen her since yesterday."

"So she's… gone missing?" Ritsuko grimaced. "Is that something we need to worry about?"

"I don't know," Misato says. "I mean, I personally think Rei can take care of herself, but she's never disappeared on us."

"Very well," Ritsuko nods. "Something might have happened to her, right?

"Everyone," she orders. "Everyone, drop your work now. All priorities go to finding Rei Ayanami, First Child. This is of vital importance. Thank you."

_-hours later-_

"No sign of the girl, head scientist."

"She isn't here."

"Are you sure she's in Tokyo-3?"

"Could she have been kidnapped?"

"Why would she be?" Ritsuko demands, and her glare silences them all, even though they cannot see it. Her tone is enough.

_(Why am I so desperate to find Rei? she wonders. I've always hated her… I think. I've always lost to her. So… why?_

_She knows why._

_She can't bear the thought of losing Rei again, having Rei's disappearance on her is a constant painful reminder of her mother's anger, her mother's anger which killed the first Rei._

_She's not like her mother. She knows that.)_

_-hours later-_

"They still haven't found Ayanami yet?" Shinji asks incredulously. "That's weird. When I ran away- " at this, Misato gives a cough to signify her _disapproval_ "- the Nerv agents found me just a few hours later. Or maybe it was even less."

"Which just shows how you suck at hiding, doesn't it?" Asuka smirks.

"Yeah, but it's… weird," mutters Shinji, downcast eyes staring at the floor.

_-hours later-_

Perhaps it's time to give up the game, she thinks to herself. Maybe she should just go back to the Nerv headquarters, and pretend nothing had ever happened.

After all, what was wrong with her? If it was a few months before, before she had tangled herself in all this _mess_, _(before she had met _him_, before the Second Child had come-) _she would never have dreamed of running away.

Silently, she sits down on a bench at a park. She glances at the bright full moon, shining so bright-

_(with the moon as the pearl, and stars as the diamonds, the endless sky as the velvet-_

_-the dark velvet spread out, the pearl tossed carelessly on top, with diamonds scattered randomly)_

- and she gives an inward smile at the thought.

She vaguely wonders why she hadn't already been found and marched back to the headquarters yet; she pinpoints it to the fact that she had never been here before, and since her daily activity is probably monitored (maybe not her every movement – but her general whereabouts-).

She curls up on the bench and wraps her slim pale arms around her legs-

- and falls into a light dreamless sleep.

-

_ix. Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size._

-

**S**HE was different.

_(he couldn't help but notice-)_

She was the same… but something about her seemed different.

Maybe her smile was too cold. Maybe her voice was too quiet. Maybe her face was too emotionless.

_(But wasn't this how she's always been? he thinks to himself)_

Ever since she had appeared back at the headquarters at sunrise the next morning, the day after she disappeared-

_(Misato insisted Shinji and Asuka stay at headquarters, and they were half-asleep when they saw Rei's silhouette against the first rays of the rising sun.-)_

- she seems to have changed, as though it were a different person posing as Rei Ayanami, but getting her characteristics and personality slightly wrong.

He was happy that she came back… but…

She never talked to him anymore, never really paid any attention to him. It was as though he was just another classmate, just another pilot to her to work together with, now…

… and it bugged him.

-

_x. __I found my poor little doll, dears, though folks say she is terribly changed; her hair is not the least bit curled, her paint is all washed away. _

_Yet for old sake's sake, she is still, dears, the prettiest doll in the world._

-

He knew something was going happen. He just knew it.

But he didn't trust his gut instinct. As he jumped into his Eva Unit-01, he thought that it was just the jittery nerves before battle. After all, this _was_ the most powerful Angel they'd come across.

Right?

_Wrong_.

_-in combat-_

And he had just stood there, staring, shell-shocked, as the angel penetrated Unit-00's armour-

-before getting into action himself, pointing his positron rifle at the Angel, and firing.

But… he misses the shot. All the anger and all the feelings of regret had done its damage.

The Angel snakes towards his Eva, and he feels panic pass through him.

Then… it stops… and retreats. As if being pulled back… to Unit-00.

"Ayanami!" he gasps.

"_The A.T. field around Unit-00 is being pressed in from all sides!"_

"_Does she plan to immobilize the Angel?"_

"_Rei! You'll die!"_

"_Rei! Get out of the Eva NOW!!"_

"_No… I can't… if I leave, then the A.T. field will disappear…"_

"_REI!"_

"AYANAMI!!" yells Shinji frantically, watching as Unit-00 collapses onto the ground.

_-minutes later-_

"_Shinji, kill the angel, now!"_

"But Ayanami…"

"_Kill it! This is an order!"_

"I- I can't!" Shinji gasps. "Ayanami's in the Eva too… I can't… do that…"

"_She's not in it anymore – her entry plug has been ejected."_

"But… then how come Unit-00 is still moving?"

"_It's the Dummyplug System."_

"But…"

"_This is an order, Shinji – is there any question to your loyalty to Nerv?"_

"_Do not worry about him. Send the Second Child in."_

"_But Unit-02…"_

"_There's nothing else we can do."_

_-minutes later-_

He watches as Unit-02 effortlessly defeats the Angel. As the Angel explodes, so does Unit-00.

Shinji wonders what Asuka is thinking, right now.

_(Is she thinking about Ayanami?_

_Is she happy she defeated the Angel…_

_When both Ayanami and I couldn't?)_

"It's dead!" he hears Misato cry happily on the screen. Likewise, the other members of Nerv were smiling.

_But where's Ayanami__…?!_

He sees the end of the Unit-00 entry plug in the smoky haze. He jumps out from his own entry plug, and runs towards it-

-it tumbles down on the slight slope of the land, and nearly crushes him. He could see the opening of the plug…

… and it was half-destroyed.

"Ayanami!" he cries out in horror.

As if in reply to his cry, a body comes tumbling out.

"Aya… nami…?" he gapes as he catches her in his arms.

Her eyes flutter open.

"Ikari…" she whispers, and falls limp as the rest of her strength leaves her.

"Ayanami! Don't go!!" he stares at her, willing for her to wake up again. Please, please don't let her die, he pleads with the gods, or whoever was in charge of destiny. Don't let her go, don't let her leave me…

He leans down and presses his lips against hers-

_(-__a kiss of hope, a kiss of desperation, a kiss of passion-)_

_(-__a kiss of love with the girl who had truly stolen his heart-)_

- and as he drew away, she – in her unconsciousness – put her hand over his…

… and she smiles.

-

_finale-_

He only kissed you so you'll want to stay here.

He doesn't really love you.

Because he loves the Second Child.

He'll never fall in love with a doll like you.

You know that, don't you?

You're too… different.

_(Her fingers tremble, on the hyacinth flower-)_

_Yes… but… I want to stay…_

_(- and then she drops it.)_

-

_and then…_

_She cried like she hadn't ever, tears streaming down like a waterfall, her heart she froze (__the only way to keep it from bleeding dry__)._

_She was the doll, the puppet, the marionette of melancholy and sorrow, with her happiness now at his mercy._

_-_

_And, so now-_

_When does a story end?_

_We do not know._

_One says, it's when the problems end. Another argues, it's the moment just aftere the problem ends, like the calm after a storm, when the sky clears up and the rainbow appears. Yet another explains it's when the objects of the problem dies, much, much later on._

_One does not truly know._

_But, for now, let's end it here._

-

**.FIN.**

.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

.


End file.
